I picked gracegrown as a name quite a while ago.
All the almost-could-have-been-really-awful scrapes that I have been spared along with the I-sure-learned-a-lot-from-that situations and countless moments of beauty, wisdom and exposure that stir me up and mold me are points of grace. I am grown by the ups and the downs of them.
Yesterday, I was feeling low. I had to look squarely at a sad truth and it caught me. I sat on the couch and engaged in some good old fashioned self pity. I don’t like to feel sad. I know no one really likes being sad but I take that to the extreme. My husband calls me a pathological optimist and he is not far off. I resist having my feelings hurt by either denying, distracting, reframing, or retaliating. As I grow up a bit, I am trying to resist some of those reflexes but this is only a work-in-progress. Naming it is a big step for me.
Yesterday, my feelings were hurt and I was sad.
We had our first snowfall and it was a doozy of a day with wind and hail and the icky stuff that they call a wintery mix. The temperature had dropped more than 20 degrees in a day and the mild fall came to a crashing halt. I try to walk every day and this was a day that the weather was giving me the perfect excuse to just stay home and wallow in self pity. That’s when grace took over.
My son, my teenaged 6-foot-3 gangling bundle of curiosity, has asked me to meet him to walk home through a park every day after school. Who can say no to that? Who can choose sulking over such a precious opportunity to be connected? It probably helped that he lost his phone so I knew that I could not send him a last minute text backing out…but that isn’t the only reason that I layered up and forged ahead into the world and out of my hiding spot. It was grace. As I got to the spot where we meet, I saw his sweet-self moving toward me and his rosy face broke into a huge smile. I melted. Honestly. I literally felt warmth move through me and a smile took over my face.
Grace is something you just get. You don’t earn it. You can’t calculate it or quantify it. It comes to you. It moves in you. That smile, that moment, that opportunity was grace. I am thankful for it.